Unglamorous grace

I'm sitting here, nursing my most recent narcissistic wound--that being no one ever comments on my blog!! :) I say that half-jokingly.... I suppose the upside of that is that I can be as candid as I wish, and treat this as if it were a diary if no one reads it anyway! (maybe that will hook you--a promise of confessions and secrets only to rival a junior-high girl's).

It's Friday night, and Joel and I just went to Happy Hour at Salty's in Seattle for some delish fish n' chips. We sat ourselves right in front of the fireplace that was cascading with fresh easter lilies--a visual commemoration of the first day of spring today, and Easter Sunday in two days.
Speaking of Easter, I have felt quite disconnected from the observance of Lent this year. Amidst a lot of soul-searching for both Joel and I, we ironically have lost connection with feeding our souls. Instead, I've been feeding on way too many Cadbury mini-eggs.
Last night at the Maundy Thursday service was the first time this Lent when I felt centered and was able to take in the experience of God's grace in an acutely powerful way. As we sang the song, "Not What My Hands Can Do," (or something akin to that), I thought of how often I put trust in my ability to go through life with a clean-slate; be a good girl who can jump life's hoops and not step on too many toes, all for the sake of securing a reputation that gets me where I need to go.
What shaky ground and how exhausting to go through life trying to carefully walk on tip-toe so as not to offend anyone. For the sake of peace? What I've noticed about myself is that I keep all of my feelings to myself for so long, but then in one moment that can burst forth, often to the surprise of the person who's the recipient of them (my feelings). And then I end up feeling like crap like I've done so much damage. And then I feel destructive and that I've just shot myself in the foot all for the sake of candor and emotional honesty.
That happened with my job, and I got so frustrated with how the dynamics played out between my boss and I, and how I felt belittled and alienated and all of that, that I just decided on the spot to be done (but much more abruptly than I'd planned). There's so much more backstory, but it didn't end the way I would have hoped.
I had an interview yesterday to be a mental health clinician at Compass Health, and I was so paranoid that I didn't have a perfect reference from my last employer. I decided to take a risk, though, and explain the situation to the interviewers, and they were so graceful about it. They were just like, "It happens. Miscommunications happen. It happens to all of us; it happens here. We're human."
Can I just say what a relief that was to hear that? After that "confession" the conversation noticeably relaxed and loosened up.. I no longer felt like perfection was a requirement for rights to live as an earthling. I had a fear that I might be some sort of insect/ human hybrid, undeserving of the right to occupy space on this planet. The fact that I was imperfect and could get angry and punitive when I felt controlled (which is kind of what happened). I can get so impassioned that I lose sight of the long-range. But it's okay. There's grace. And most people, unless they have superegos the density of Ezekiel bread (really, really thick bread that tastes really gross), they probably have room for forgiveness for others.
So that's what I'm chewing on these next couple of days... how much I'm in need of grace from God.