Music is Museum of Feelings that Have been Hidden Away

I love how certain songs can transport me back to a specific moment in time, I pause at that moment and see my life unfold from that moment forth like a movie reel of my life. I am sitting here right now indulging in a little "Dido," from her For Rent album. God, how it arouses so much longing in me. I can remember driving in my white Protege flying down Market Avenue in Grand Rapids, from appointment to appointment in preparation for the madness of wedding planning. It was spring of 2004 and emotions were always close to the surface--you know, family disagreements about what meat would be served at the wedding, would we have punch, what time would the ceremony be at? Close to sunset or in full daylight? So many questions... that felt so, so important at the time. Nearly three years ago. I am tempted to think through what it is exactly we've "accomplished" in these past three years. Well, more financial debt, but more emotional security; Certainly not a tangible manifestation of our dreams, but we live in a beautiful one-bedroom with a view of the Puget Sound. We're not rich and I don't that's on our agenda for 2008, and probably won't be, until I get out the cul-de-sac of graduate school.
I don't even know what I want to write, but I feel tears brimming, because somehow amidst all the uncertainty and unpaid bills and frustation with feeling so invisible at school, I do know that I am loved by my husband. I feel thankful for that as I think to so many times when we felt so tenuous.
Dido is that bittersweet reminder of how time hangs together in some odd sort of way, there has been so much back-and-forth and crashing and burning in these past three years, but I still feel my passionate core is still there for life in general and for Joel specifically.
Next week we are going on a vacation with my parents to St. John, which is where we(Joel and I, sans the parents) went for our honeymoon almost four years ago. God, time eludes me--i can't believe it has been four years, yet something feels like it has shifted and settled. Happiness isn't reflected in our paychecks (ha), but I think we laugh more than we used to, which is good medicine. It's still hard, though, wondering if we're on the right track or if we're going around in circles, me with school, and Joel with trying to run (begin) a faux painting business, or maybe pursue graphic design, and eventually start a retreat center. For me, i have hopes of teaching someday as well as counseling and writing, but feel like my "voice" has gone to pot... so I ask, "Will I ever be able to articulate what matters to me in some manner that is inspiring to other?"
Sometimes I feel less strong and confident in what I think and write than I did before I entered Mars Hill. I have never been so assaulted with doubts in general as I have in my mid-twenties, and specifically doubts about school.
Where was the confidence I had in high school and parts of college? Will I find it again? It just doesn't feel right that a school should leave one more frayed at the edges than one began....
I want in every waking moment for there to be the acknowledgment of my finitude; my limits, so that I can run like hell and with grace towards the end of it all.... May I live into the questions.