My "eureka" moment

I have definitely had much more clarity in the past couple of days about my direction. I am convinced that God speaks to me through my journaling process. I was reading through some old journals and reminded of the reasons why I believe I was drawn to Mars Hill in the first place--the hope of creativity. Yet I have not felt very creative in the past few months, and I think when I'm in places like that, I just want to kill my creativity off... it is painful to be in a school where there are so many artistic people, and I feel mediocre. When I feel mediocre, it is appealing to imagine myself in a more traditional school so I don't feel so out of it. 

I'm rambling a bit, but I am aware of how important it is for me to finish a season--to bring something to completion before I rush on ahead to think of the other possibilities. I do think sometime in the next several years I would like to start a Psy.D or Ph.D program, but I feel right now I am getting ahead of myself. Right now I desire to cultivate the creative/intuitive side of myself--the poet and writer in me who wants to live life artfully and passionately, with some dramatic flair! I was reading journals last night that reminded me of those desires.

So, to that end, instead of focusing on pursuing research opportunities at the UW this summer and studying for the GRE like I was thinking, I am going to carve out at least 15-30 minutes per day to WRITE--maybe more as the summer progresses when I am done with my summer classes at MH. My hope for August is to take the Intro level acting class at Freehold Theatre that I dropped this past January. (that is such a pattern for me: approach with passion, then withdraw out of fear).  God, I am such a perfectionist. So afraid of failing; of not being good enough at something.

Since one of my initial goals for the year was to take an acting class, I want to do that, after I've had to settle into my job and summer classes have ended, and before I amp up for the '08-

'09 school year. 

Everything in its time.... I have a deep-seated belief that I need to reconnect with the creative pursuits I enjoyed in my childhood (acting, writing, singing...) before I integrate that with my intellectual/academic side. Not that I want to keep them apart, I just think there is something that scares me about really delving into my artistic side because it feels so chaotic and free-form and so open... akin to jumping off a cliff. I just remember being a little girl and getting up i the middle of the night to write and being so inspired... where has that gone? I have a sense of where it's gone... I became so obsessed with my studies in college--getting all As and doing everything right and having my life boxed and organized, but I just don't think that's me. Sure, i like to feel organized and productive, but I think I'm more spontaneous than I've let myself be. It's interesting, because as I've started to become free from obsessive eating and exercise over the past year, I also do not feel as strong of a need to control my external environment (i.e. kitchen mess, bills, papers, etc.). Mess and clutter within reason are okay with me now, because I feel like I can contextualize it within a bigger life picture (like, we just got done painting our bedroom, and our house was a disaster for over a month, but it was okay because I was able to see the end goal). I just know that dealing with a lot of mundane activities (controlling my life) was often what stole any creative/imaginative drive I had: it all when into making lists, doing groceries, paying bills, doing dishes and laundry. yuck. Those things are necessary tasks of life, but when there is so much anxiety that goes towards making sure those things are done at all cost, I am left with no energy for the things I really care about.

Whew.

So, I'm asking God for grace to focus on my classes, starting my new job, and trying to build in writing and prayer within a more regular routine. And hopefully have enough time and energy this summer to dive into the acting class!